Something Random

Aftermath of Republic Session one...

2006-09-12T00:06:00.000-07:00

Nothing like three hours with a man who did his doctoral thesis on Plato, and being forced to reexamine the way you are living your life because all of a sudden less and less softly padded rebukes are knocking you in the head. Sorry, long sentence.

So, I'm confused, and scared. But I feel great. This is the first time in a long time I've felt anything in my soul resembling new thought.

I learned so much today, largely how truely foundational Plato is to the entire world. How translators of the New Testament used language that Plato created in talking about the tripartied soul (excuse any spelling errors please), immortality of the soul, the Forms of the good, the true, and beauty, etc. How Plato shaped education, totally turned spirituality upsidown and came to unbelievable conclusions that seem prophetic. Its terrifying to come into so much heady information.

Let me first say that I am by no means to be considered knowledeable about Plato to any great extent. I have read some of his works and been guided by the tutilage of several great mentors whom I trust to know the text very well.

With that said, please let me relate something within the Republic that nearly knocked me off of my chair:

After speaking on the just and unjust man (and city) for a while, Socrates makes a statement about the man who is just, but doesn't seem to be.
This guy is truely just but the city thinks the opposite of him, that he is injust. The language in my translation says that "we impale the man," in the original the word is more accurately translated "we crucify the man." The worst punishment for the just man: crucifixion. Interestingly enough, there is more. Concluding the entire work of the Republic is the famous myth of Err. Err dies on the battlefied but is allowed to travel around after death that he might report what he sees and return with that information to people on Earth. He is ressurrected after this experience. For all the describing of the just city and just man, with all of its pages and pages of side arguments and specifications, what does the final book say we need? We really need a guy to die and come back to tell us how to really live.
Pause for effect.

Is this not jaw dropping? Plato, 427 B.C. - 347 B.C. recognized what it would take to make things right. Phenomenal.
Our pull question was "How did Plato 'get it right' without the Holy Spirit?"
What a humdinger huh?

This much has been thrilling to me, sort of the adrenaline rush you get from opening a window in a stale room to winter air, it nearly freezes your lungs but its so invigorating and fresh and real that you have to keep gulping it in.

What makes me cast my head down is the pursuit of the good, the true and the beauty. This is the "motto" of Torrey. Bonum Pulchur Veritas (again please excuse any butchering in spelling). I'm beginning to recognize the utter holyness surrounding them as God contains them and is them and suddenly I've been offered a new way to see the approach to them, and I realize how fully I fall short. What I don't understand is how am I really supposed to order my life? It seems to even approach truth I must abandon so much of my day to thought, as my thoughts hardly ever reach the point of takeoff let alone actually approaching the true. I feel like a child hindered by my playpen, and yet, my life is that playpen and I know God gave it to me for a reason. Sport, work, friends- all these are good for my soul and develop it, but how do I live them so that they aren't hindering my pursuit for the true? I understand that this is all part of the intricate way that my life has been formed by God but I'm scared that I'm getting it wrong somehow. That I missed the point and I'm just using Him as justification. Lord I fear that attitude the worst.

All of this has left me fearful and questioning. But I know that because of that, I think I'm ok. Jesus chose the least of men to follow him. In all the holyness that was wrapped up in his being he allowed the most disorded men to dine with him. Jesus loves those who come to him with their disordered souls and messed up priorities. God's glory returned to Earth and poured out over his people. His people. Them. Me. Us.

It's a beautiful day.

Confessions...not quite so grand as Augustine, but from the heart

2006-09-08T07:57:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I suppose I have a little explaining to do, since I've been absent from my blog for months upon months.
This blog has functioned in a few ways for me, letting my friends know what's going on in my life, usually reflections on my spiritual growth and movement while at school. Its a sounding board for some of my thoughts that come at times when there's no one around to listen. For a while I loved it, then as school got more intense I had less time and blogged less frequently until finally ceasing.
Why not continue over the summer, why start again now? (besides the fact that I keep forgetting my class in @ 8:30 and not 8, so I'm ready to go...and bored=)

The truth? Because I have had nothing to write. Nothing I was proud of anyways.

This summer was spiritually stagnant for me. I slipped quietly away from communication with God every day in prayer and scripture to manipulating every ounce of my time for money or entertainment. I worked long days at the gym as a counselor, and then went home, rested, and did whatever the heck I felt like doing, every day. I even found it an imposition when my mom asked me to help her with the horses once a week. It was all about me. I spent every waking moment with Jesse which was amazing and I loved it, but I neglected my family. I only saw my best friend once or twice over a summer that ended up changing her life. Oh, and as for church, I hardly ever went. I wanted to leave the church I have been at since becomming a Christian, for legit reasons too, but I never made to effort to find a new spiritual home. When I did go, all I did was nit pick at their messages, hating the way they phrased it or interpreted scripture.

I was always bitter.

So, here I am now, feeling so empty in a place where the absence of God in my life stands out so much more to me. At home the perspective was far far different, but now that there are chapels and people always praying and discussions with friends, I can see what I let happen all summer.

What to do then?
Well, figuring that there's no place like the beginning I began to earnestly read Matthew again and at the same time started a book my friends gave me called the Challenge of Jesus. I wanted to see who Jesus really was, God and man, for real. I wanted to find out for myself his character, motives, goals and desires as if I was sitting there listening to him, seeing him, watching his disciples. Sometimes you just have to start over. I tried picking up my faith where I let it sit stagnant for so long, but I let things get rusty and corroded. I need to learn what it means to be a follower of Christ now, every day. A religion that has spanned so many years has done so because it works in every era without changing its core. I want a faith based on this. I want to be a part of something that's been going on for years and will keep going because it is so alive. I want to learn how to really love, with everything I have. I want to not just be me. I've had enough of just me

So here I go, feet first, and I pray to God that the water is cold, cus it would sure be nice to feel again.

Thoughts from my devotional...

2006-03-16T08:13:00.000-08:00

Oswald Chambers makes a really salient point to connection and identification with Christ regarding the giving up of our sins. He talks about this really painful moment just before you surrender your sin, of seeing yourself as the Lord sees you. Ironically, when this happens you are less disgusted by the sin itself, and moreso by your attitude in dealing with it. We become most ashamed at our reactions and emotions regarding bad things than the actual bad things themselves.

That should remind us of something.

The phrase "love the sinner, hate the sin" may be cliche by now, but cliches are what they are because they are true. The sin isn't important, go figure. Those things which we fight tooth and nail- which we rage personal all-out battles with, don't matter. Funny then to see how people focus SO much on their sin. Ever talked to a Christian about their spiritual lives and they respond first with "I'm working on getting rid of ______"? Sin, though painfully gripping, cannot be offed by ourselves. The human body is far to frail to reject such things by itself forever. Drawing nearer to God will realign the soul, put you in a more right place, and through that the sin will begin to slough off. Some sins which are physical and tangible require a moment of actual resistence to follow through with the sinful action. (I say action, not desire, because note that when we sin it is because of misplaced desire, so in truth our desires are right in the sense of what they are seeking after at the deepest level.) But even that moment where you must say no is made less painful and harsh by fulfillment of those same desires in God.

I suppose this should remind us that we are not fighting an enormous battle against sin (do the war metaphors make anyone else feel overwhelmed ever???) we are striving to draw closer to our God. I think it's also worth noting that emotions are very important here. (One of my more favorite topics, emotions are dealt with strangely in the Christian church...but that's another blog=)

Bear with, this is long but totally worth the read.

2006-03-09T21:42:00.000-08:00

I found this article through AOL, very interesting. Go check out the guys website and then post what you think!

On eBay, Atheist Puts Own Soul on Auction Block
The Winning Bidder Offers Unusual Deal: Visit Churches and Critique
By SUZANNE SATALINE, The Wall Street Journal

(March 9) A few weeks ago, Hemant Mehta posted an unusual item for sale on eBay: a chance to save his soul.
The DePaul University graduate student promised the winner that for each $10 of the final bid, he would attend an hour of church services. The 23-year-old Mr. Mehta is an atheist, but he says he suspected he had been missing out on something.
"Perhaps being around a group of people who will show me 'the way' could do what no one else has done before," Mr. Mehta wrote in his eBay sales pitch. "This is possibly the best chance anyone has of changing me."
Evangelists bid, eager to save a sinner. Atheists bid, hoping to keep Mr. Mehta in their fold. When the auction stopped on Feb. 3 after 41 bids, the buyer was Jim Henderson, a former evangelical minister from Seattle, whose $504 bid prevailed.
Mr. Henderson wasn't looking for a convert. He wanted Mr. Mehta to embark with him on an eccentric experiment in spiritual bridge-building.
The 58-year-old Mr. Henderson has written a book for a Random House imprint and is currently a house painter. He runs off-the-map.org, a Web site whose professed mission is "Helping Christians be normal." Mr. Henderson is part of a small but growing branch of the evangelical world that disagrees with the majority's conservative political agenda, and wants the religion to be more inclusive and help the disadvantaged.
Days after the auction, Mr. Henderson flew to Chicago to see Mr. Mehta, who is studying to be a math teacher. The two met in a bar, where they sealed a deal a little different from the one the student had proffered. Instead of the 50 hours of church attendance that he was entitled to for his $504, Mr. Henderson asked that Mr. Mehta attend 10 to 15 services of Mr. Henderson's choosing and then write about it.
Mr. Mehta also agreed to provide running commentary on the church services on the off-the-map site and take questions -- bluntly sharing a nonbeliever's outlook on services that many consider sacred. The deal called for Mr. Henderson to donate the $504 to the Secular Student Alliance, a group headed by Mr. Mehta that has 55 chapters in the U.S. and abroad.
"I'm not trying to convert you," Mr. Henderson said at the bar. "You're going there almost like a critic....If you happen to get converted, that's off the clock." For Mr. Mehta's first service, the two attended noon Mass at Old St. Patrick's, a Catholic church near Mr. Mehta's apartment. In the third pew from the rear, Mr. Mehta silently gazed at the statues and the worshipers' folded hands. He tried to follow along, but was a beat behind the congregation as it stood and knelt on cue.
Mr. Henderson asked Mr. Mehta to score the priest, on a scale of one for boring to 10 for "off the charts." Mr. Mehta gave him a three. "More stories" in the sermon, Mr. Mehta suggested -- and less liturgy.
Asked about that advice, the Rev. John Cusick, who said the Mass that day, was unfazed: "There's nothing he could say that I haven't heard 100 times over."
Mr. Mehta's commentaries award sermons kudos for clarity, demerits for redundancy. After a service at Chicago's nondenominational Park Community Church, he criticized the preacher for repeatedly referring to a Bible verse in which the Galatians are called "fools" for doubting the divinity of Jesus -- without explaining why the passage was relevant to his congregation. The room, Mr. Mehta noted, was already full of people who didn't share the Galatians' doubts.
Associate Pastor Ron May wrote in to thank Mr. Mehta: "As the guy who spoke yesterday, I really appreciate the honest eval. (Unfortunately, a lot of the time you only get polite smoke...good job...thanks for the message.)"

Mr. Mehta was born in Chicago and raised in Jainism, an ancient Indian faith whose followers vow to harm no living thing, not even microbes in the air.
He praises famous atheists, but has also read parts of the Bible, loves watching televangelists like Benny Hinn and Joel Osteen, and admires their appeal to congregations. "If I could be an atheist pastor?" he says, "Oh God, that would be great!"
Mr. Henderson, who was a member of the Association of Vineyard Churches, a nondenominational ministry, says he preached for 25 years, but says he grew disenchanted because many of his peers were obsessed with gathering more believers and increasing their budgets. Off-the-map started as a hobby, an outgrowth of a long talk with a friend and co-founder Dave Richards, who had been a member of one of Mr. Henderson's congregations, about why they disliked evangelizing.
Mr. Henderson began interviewing nonbelievers -- in front of audiences and video cameras -- about the ways Christians had offended them. That material became part of his book, "a.k.a. 'Lost,' '' espousing his softer approach, published last year by WaterBrook Press.
Hiring Mr. Mehta has been his wisest investment, Mr. Henderson says. The Web site received 5,000 hits in the first 10 days after the auction -- typically the number of visits in an average month.
Some visitors to the site castigate Mr. Henderson for giving an atheist a forum. One said he was "rather misguidedly (throwing) money at someone to simply get him 'churched' for a time so he might possibly get 'saved?' "
Mr. Mehta has also been reading and critiquing church bulletins. In one, Park Community asked the congregation to pray, in advance of a coming meeting on the construction of a church building "that God would...open the doors to the right parking solution, allowing us to build a worship space for 1,200 people, rather than the 850 currently permitted."
"Really?" Mr. Mehta observed on the Web site. "That's what you're praying for? Do they think a god will change parking restrictions? Will a god change the price of nearby property? Will a god add another level to a parking structure?"
Mr. May, the pastor, admitted such talk sounds weird to an outsider. "It's good to be reminded it's unusual," he said
Mr. Henderson says he is thrilled that Mr. Mehta is prompting such reactions. "We're getting to a place where we're talking and not converting," he says.
With about half his obligation to Mr. Henderson fulfilled, Mr. Mehta says he's no closer to believing in God, although he does admire churches for the communities they create. Church, he has decided, is "not such a bad place to be."

Think I'm starting to get it...

2006-03-07T08:13:00.000-08:00

Anyone who didn't have to work that hard through high school can empathize with me here. I don't mean like people who didn't do anything, cus heck, I did a ton of actual work, but it always just sort of came, ya know? Funny about college, you have to work for it... a lot harder.

I looked at my calendar yesterday and freaked out. Anna Karenina and the Brothers Karamozov are coming up between midrags (Torrey midterm) and spring break (right after spring break our Torrey paper is due). Both 900-1000 page books. I almost curled up into the fetal position and cried. There's another great thing about high school, usually you have about one class that really requires a lot of commitment from you, in college, not so. In the mix there are exams, quizes, and more reading for other classes that require a lot of effort. Then there are the jobs...and the sport. It's all insane.

Later that night I read an email someone posted about Torrey. I think it was in response to those who are struggling just to keep up with minimum requirements still, and haven't settled into the program. In a nutshell he said that Torrey is about taking charge of your education and making it something worthwhile. Just meeting the requirements completely misses the mark of Torrey. I really agree, and you know what, that goes with EVERYTHING!

I was focusing so much yesterday on just meeting the mark, just looking at what I had to do to make it to spring break without too much mental or scholastic injury.
When I opened up As You Like It for the first time last night, I really read. I read and I enjoyed and I thought about it. To tell you the truth I haven't done that since the very beginning of the semester. I've been churning pages to get through a book or memorizing to just do well on the test. This isn't an education. Why pay 25 grand a year to memorize????

Yeah, I know it's still going to be brutally and frustratingly hard sometimes, and it's going to tax me to my mental limits. But that's good as long as I let it stretch me so that once the initial pain subsides, I will have grown.

To put things in perspective one last time, let me tell you what my mom says nearly every time we talk about school:

"I wish that I could do what you're doing right now! To be able to not just read and learn all these cool things but to have people interested in the very same things. You are so lucky to have so many friends that you can sit and talk these things through with. Enjoy college, it's like no other time in your life."

This made me smile=)

2006-03-07T08:05:00.000-08:00

My Dad sent me this via email:

>> Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. This is really cute.
>>>> If you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious!
>>>> It comes from a Catholic elementary school test.
>>>> Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following
>> statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been
>> retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

>>>> 1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis, God got tired of creating
>> the world so he took the Sabbath off.

>>>> 2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was joan of
>> ark. Noah built and ark and
>> the animals came on in pears.

>>>> 3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during
>> the night.

>>>> 4. The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
>> unsympathetic genitals.

>>>> 5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel
like delilah.

>>>> 6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

>>>> 7. Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which
>> is bread without any ingredients.

>>>> 8. The egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, moses went
>> up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.>

>>> 9. The first commandments was when eve told adam to eat the apple.

>>>> 10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

>>>> 11. Moses died before he ever reached canada then joshua led the hebrews in
>> the battle of geritol.

>>>> 12. The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to>stand
>> still and he obeyed him.

>>>> 13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He>fought>> the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

>>>> 14. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

>>>> 15. When mary heard she was the mother of jesus, she sang the magna carta.

>>>> 16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found jesus>in
>> the manager.

>>>> 17. Jesus was born because mary had an immaculate contraption.

>>>> 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

>>>> 19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before
>> they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

>>>> 20. It was a miracle when jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the>> tombstone off the entrance.

>>>> 21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

>>>> 22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

>>>> 23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.

>>>> 24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which>is
>> another name for marraige.

>>>> 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

CUTEST BOYS EVER!!!! (apart from Jesse ;-)

2006-03-01T07:55:00.000-08:00

Hooray!

2006-02-19T08:40:00.000-08:00

Victory ladies and gents, I think we've found an awesome little church, right next to APU!!! South County was really cool, but so far away and to be honest, I only knew a few people there, most of them were late 20s I'd venture to say. We are now attending EV Free of Covina, it's a smaller church with lotsa love=) I swear I've only been once and I feel like I'm friends with three different people I've never met before=)
With all the talk of how to be a Christian and what real ministry looks like, I sometimes wonder if there is such a thing as excessive theology. There are times when I would trade someone with exactly the same views as I for a honest to goodness friendly and loving person. We don't know exactly what this church believes, to the T. But I'm ok with that. I don't want to be a church shopper=P
Anyhew, I'm so excited. Thankfully it's big enough to still have a college group afterwards, which I am very excited about=) Praise God, for new friends and new adventures=)

Oh, and a prayer request. Jesse messed up his shoulder yesterday playing rugby, well- his shoulder's been messed up since football season (torn labrum we think, he did physical therapy but never anything surgical). Anyhew, he's not able to sleep on it well, and even standing up pulls on it and gives him a lot of grief. Please pray that this isn't anything serious and will get better on its own. Surgery would break his heart because it would pull him out of rugby, football, and basketball temporarily.

Have fun at church ya'll!

Amazing Music

2006-02-15T21:10:00.000-08:00

Mmm...there is no better music to dance to, lift, lift, cry, or do homework to.

My fav song on the cd is "You give love a bad name"

Beautiful.

Yuck

2006-02-15T11:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, so last night we all went to Joe's Crab shack for dinner (which was awesome by the way) and as usual the converstation was overflowing the whole night. Somewhere in the midst of all our chatter Jesse turns to me and innocently asks where I was thinking on livining next semester. I automatically said that I'd really like to live in Horton- the new dorm they're building at Biola right now. Jesse flinched and said the all encompassing "oh" meaning, "so you really aren't going to transfer then." Well, I thought I had decided that the odds of me transfering were like, 1%.

Huh, well, not quite. After they dropped me back off I came into my room and instead of doing homework started work on one of three essays required for APU's application. I'm filling this all out so that I can get a financial aid estimate (who knows- that could end up playing a part in the eventual decision).

The question: Why do you want to attend APU?

Oh brother.

So I wrote, answering as intelligently as possible, attempting to keep emotional reasons at bay and focusing on the hard facts of why I wanted to attend APU. It worked, I finished the essay and I think that it's very well written.
Well, maybe it was the suppression of my emotions that caused this to all hit me in the face this morning, but I feel aweful. I'm depressed and can't seem to find any joy in the things that I love about being here at Biola...but then the thought of leaving makes me nearly sick to my stomach (or maybe that's the cold I think I'm getting...).

I feel like I'm betraying myself either way.

I understand that this is a crucial place in my life where my spiritual growth is really on the line. The way I handle this has the opportunity to increase my faith and relationship with God. I know all this...but I feel like I can't grasp it. I've never been in despair over something before, I don't know how to not just slip off into day to day existence. My emotions are bogging me down to the point where prayers sound hollow, the word seems dull and somewhat elusive, and any quiet time turns into constant searching for a way out of this mess.

I just don't know how to handle this.

"I cried out to God for help;
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the
Lord;
at night I stretched out untiring hands and
my soul refused to be comforted.
I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I
mused, and my spirit grew faint."

Psalms 77: 1-3

For Jesse...Happy Valentine's Day!

2006-02-13T00:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Jes,

I love you, thank you for three years of walking through life. I can't think of anyone I would rather triumph, fail, struggle, and learn with.
You've split apart every misconception I've had about relationships, you've helped me to learn how to deal with things I would rather run away from, by going through them with me.

You push me to search myself and never allow me to give up. You are the toughest coach I have, but the most compassionate fan=)

You also never let me stay inside my comfort zone=) From climbing my first crack at Mt. Woodson to dancing around the room in your arms, belting out the lyrics to some blaring music (as people curiously walk by the room with their eyebrows raised=).

You understand when I'm hurting and just need a hug or someone to vent to. You talk to me honestly. You respect me, and support me, even when it hurts you.

I cannot express the overwhelming gratitude and love all of this illicits.

Just know...I'll be the greatest fan of your life...=)

Here's to us!

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
And emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
Chorus:I'll Be your cryin' shoulder
I'll Be loves suicide
I'll Be better when I'm older
I'll Be the greatest fan of your life
And rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're My Survival, You're My Living Proof
My love is alive and not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
Chorus
And I've dropped out, I've burned up, I fought my way back from
the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the things that you said
Chorus
Chorus
The greatest fan of your life.

Catch 22

2006-02-07T08:41:00.000-08:00

I am so weary of thinking about this, so I only ask for your prayers.
I am still wrestling with the idea of transferring to APU next semester.

Pros:
Obviously would be with Jesse, strengthening our relationship
Be with Ashley and Wes (two of my most favorite people in the world=) more
Med school acceptance rate is higher
bigger tougher track team (yeah...I am the only sprinter on the Biola track team)

Cons:
Leaving Torrey ( won't go into this bc you kind of have to experience it to understand why this is such a big deal)
Leaving a large group of good friends here
the food- ok I know, but the cafe here is amazing=)
leaving two good jobs that I could keep through the rest of my college career
I like it here!

I can't quite explain how all this is making me feel...furious, depressed, frustrated, lost...

I just don't know any more. I can't make this decision, the Lord brought me here and I am only leaving on His cue. But things haven't been really strong in our communication lately, so I feel very lost and disconnected. Please, please pray.

Humbling moments

2006-01-31T10:37:00.000-08:00

In high school I was considered a pretty fast runner, not great, but I placed in almost all my races Junior and Senior year. I worked fairly hard, did everything the coaches told me to, and improved steadily. What I always prided myself on, and what everyone praised me for was my near flawless form. I thought that I had a knack for it and used to smile pityingly as the other runners who struggled so much with it.

When I left high school I knew that I would be way out of my league as a college runner, I knew that I would not be considered fast, but that was ok with me, I just wanted to do my thing, I love to run.

Well, yesterday was my first day of practice, and all I did were some striders (just coming off of a knee injury, my coach didn't want me to do anything big the first day). He stopped me half way through to correct my arm form, telling me to bring my arms up more toward my midline as I ran. I mentally thought, "yeah right, thats not how you're supposed to do it, yada yada yada" but I wasn't about to disagree with my coach on the first day so i did what he said, enduring more and more corrections until I felt all wobbly and weird. I was kinda miffed by the end, I wanted it my way.

Well, that night I called Jesse and asked him, telling him about everything. Jesse has this knack for anything athletic and he just absorbs stuff like you wouldn't believe, so I knew that he'd have the answer.

Hehe, um, this is how he responded:

"Janette, no one ever tried to fix you because they were afraid that you would get slower. Your coach is right, you run way to rigid."

Ah how good it is to be humbled=)

I'm back!

2006-01-31T10:28:00.000-08:00

Ok ok, so I've pretty much been awol from blogging for the past month and a half. Once interterm hit I sort of shut down=) Truth is I spent every waking moment I could with Jesse, and then when he left I went to work- scanning. I scanned binders full of operation and maintenance manuals for the companies that my Dad's company employed in the past for various projects. None of this stuff is on the computer, so that was my job. 8-9 hours a day with a good 45 min commute (wth no traffic=). Needless to say I was quite spent by the end of the day and plopped myself down in front of the TV.
No deep spiritual searching, theological thinking, or divine revelation, I was quite the blob while home, CSI and House sort of consumed me.

So that's pretty much what I've been up to, exciting I know, but I'm back now and trying to flip the switch on my brain for this semester so hopefully more interesting stuff will come soon.

Here's what's going on for me this semester:

Torrey (our theme is desire)
Intro to Psych
Sign Language
Chem
Track
work (i now have 2 jobs, the job for the exec chef and then for my Torrey mentor (prof) as sort of a secretarial deal)

So there you have it, a little bit of an update, I'll rant and rave about life as I continue to blunder through it, but I have a feeling I'm going to learn a lot this semester.

The Dons have ragged and I am still standing!

2005-12-14T14:08:00.000-08:00

My very first Don Rags ever are over!!!! WOOOHOOOOO! Oh the joy=)

Ok, it wasn't that bad, but I am very excited at how it went. For those who don't know, Don Rags are the Torrey version of a final exam. Two tutors (professors in the program), one which is yours one is another random one, sit down and look at your final paper (graded by the writing director), pull questions (short essays we write for each book), and notebook. While they look at all this you have to talk about each book you've read this semester.
I talked about the idea of "needing to know" in all the books, and that went really smoothly. We talked about Paradise Lost a lot too since my paper was on that, and how Milton shows Eve in the book. It was all very laid back, no stress=)

Overall I got a 97, high commendation apparently=) I was stoked about that (though I'm not entirely sure of the significance yet=)

anyhew...That was the culmination of my semester...so now, I'm going to go watch Seinfeld=)

Oh Yes...I'm excited=)

2005-11-17T20:13:00.000-08:00

In exactly three hours and 46 minutes I will be sitting in a plush, climate controlled Edwards cinema theatre enjoying the very latest in previews, in anticipation of...

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE

Possibly the best book in the entire series is finally out in the theatres and I will be seeing it at midnight with my four of my Biola buddies: Jamie, Ashley, Jillian, and Phil.

Ah...can't you just smell the magic?

Open heart surgery

2005-11-03T14:35:00.000-08:00

Ever been with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable and vulnerable, but sort of in a good way?

I'm entering into a friendship with someone right now who definitely has a gift for discernment, and her eyes seem to take in everything. In fact, it's like open heart surgery, but while you're awake. Her questions and looks open you up and plop your heart on the table.
For example:
We were sitting at lunch today and pretty much out of the blue she said that I looked like I needed to cry.

I didn't think I did until she said that and I realized that I had felt a sort of left over heaviness from this Monday, because I never have a place to cry on Mondays so I hold it in. She drew out something I had stuffed. Something my heart was choking on.

In fact, she has a way of forcing me to be real, to actually say what I'm thinking and to be truely honest about my thoughts. Odd... but good. I can't explain quite what it was, but I knew that what she was doing was better for me as a person, but I was itching in my skin. Ironically she was describing a similar situation she's having with another person. Funny how things work out eh?

So, if anyone ever catches me being careless with what I'm saying- call me on it. I think being real is something I need to learn to do better=)

Musings from a cereal box

2005-11-03T10:50:00.000-08:00

Right now my favorite cereal has to be Life. Perfect combo of visible sugar chunks with that sort of bran flake flavor that I love- Life is that one cereal I can eat five bowls of and still want more.

Staring down into the stale contents of a Life cereal box last night, I decided rather to forgoe consuming anymore of it and rather entertain myself with the box. Cereal boxes were made for fun. Feeling decorative I decided to cut out the giant LIFE on the front, as well as the little leggo boy (the theme was legoland apparently=) to decorate something. I looked around holding this pieces of colorful cardboard when I was done cutting, trying to decide where to put them, what to make them represent. Well, the little leggo boy ended up on one of my drawers- but I have a feeling he'll be moving soon (there's something weird about having someone's face, even if they are made of leggos, on your underwear drawer). The other piece, I slipped into my Torrey binder for the time being. Looking at it I wondered if that was true.

The colors sure, I have my blue parts, green parts, even orange and red parts. Doesn't quite seem to fully describe my life though...I feel so much more...complicated than that. Maybe thats ok and I'm just thinking too hard about advertising, but honestly it might be something I should think about. Doing this whole college thing has only added a whole new realm to life, stuffing more things in- not in a bad way, but just sort of expanding what was there before. Should I look at it like something so complicated though?

Lately things have been zipping by at amazing speeds and I feel like I'm sitting on a roller coaster, trying to absorb everything possible. Good things, yes, but I'm trying to put all my attention on everything, leaving me dazed at the end of each week, wondering what just happened. I think that's part of the reason I enjoy my weekends at APU so much, I'm forced to empty my head of school stuff and focus only on relationships, rest, and laughter. I think that's the blue stuff...mostly because my favorite color is blue=) And I really enjoy having the blue stuff blue, in fact, I wonder what it would be like if I was able to keep everything sort of toned down, simpler, let it keep its color. Lived in each moment not worried about the next- throwing out my "list" so to speak that is in serious danger of forcing me to miss LIFE.

So maybe my Torrey binder is a good place for it. To remind me that life has different colors, different letters, and that though it all comes together to make one great cereal, I need to learn to enjoy each part separately and wholly. I don't need to watch the clock in session because I'll be fully present and caring about really learning and exploring with my friends, I won't do other things while having a conversation with other people, I'll listen more, and love people more because at that moment, only that moment really matters.

Words of Wisdom from Syndrome

2005-11-02T11:33:00.000-08:00

*Let me preface this with giving credit where credit is due: This is largely from a talk given in chapel today by the directory of the Torrey program, Dr. Reynolds with some additional viewpoints from John Milton (Paradise Lost/Regained).

"If everyone is super, then no one is super!" -Syndrome from
the Incredibles

Sort of depressing huh? Why? Because our world has a heirarchy: a system of ranking people based on education, age, profession, income, whatever, and to imagine a completely equal world is kind of a bummer. We all like to think that we have something special, something about us that really makes us matter to the world.
And we are fed it from day one.
In grade school we are told we are gifted, special, and unique! Nothing is wrong, we are only stronger in some areas than others. Does wonders for your self esteem, doesn't it? Yeah, it's important that we don't have a negative view of ourselves, but not to the extent that it gets carried to. And it doesn't seem to be the mentality that Christ has or promotes.

"Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Eph 5:21

There are so many debates in existence over how submission should really be taken. Do we act as slaves to all other people, serve one particular person, submit by just letting other people have their way, give to others? No matter which interpretation all of the debate causes a complete avoidance of actually submitting! And if we do not submit to other, we do not serve other people, we become powerless as Christians.

If everyone is super, then no one is super.

then...

If everyone is a slave, then no one is a slave.

Not quite.

To be a slave and serve another is to place their needs above your own, to esteem their worth and to love them. There is no such thing as an overabundance of love (misplaced or misrepresented love, yes- but pure, unadulterated love can never be in excess).
We have a problem with this because we don't always view love in the right way- we see it as a contract- a gift and reward program to mutually satisfy to hopefully maintain happiness.

"If you are with a girlfriend or
boyfriend who demands you meet their needs because they are special, then
run, don't walk, to the nearest breakup center." -Dr. JM Reynolds

The purest form of love was shown in Christ and Christ was a slave, how good and holy is it then to love each other as slaves? Ironically, the only equality that can be experienced is when all submit to one another and serve each other. It is not shameful if two people in a relationship are slaves to one another, it is true love.
If one persons says that they deserve to be served because they are special, there is a serious problem.
The extent that we think we are special is the extent to which the Holy Spirit cannot help us and thus we cannot see the face of God.

"In Hell, everyone is special because all they see is
themselves...if you say "I" to "I am," that's all you will be." -Dr. JM
Reynolds

This all seemed relatively achievable until Dr. Reynolds turned to a sort of practical application area, and my heart sunk.

Will I protect my rights and dignity, or will I leave that for Christ to deal with, and serve.
As human beings in our society we not only own objects, have possessions, but we have an inherent sense of self worth, dignity, and rights.
But, if someone makes themself a slave, then what does a slave own?

What about intellect or talent?

If our paper has been misgraded or misunderstood, do we march into the professors office with an attitude of "I have a right to a better grade, because my intelligence deserves that recognition" or rather, "I want to get this fixed for the sake of correcting error"

Oh how often have I sat wondering what my teachers think of me! Fishing for praises and compliments, something that shows that they have acknowledged that I am special. Am I willing to do Torrey with the attitude of a slave? Am I willing to pour myself out for the text, do my very best in notes and class, and yet do it not to be noticed, but to be a slave to God, to the program, and for my class? Not for posturing and pride so that when I go home for break I can dazzle everyone with big words and freakish knowledge of classical epics.

"It is so hard to be naturally gifted, because it is so
hard, to give up the idea that you matter."-Dr. JM Reynolds

I am in school to learn yes, but not just for a skill. I am in school to learn to love and serve other people. If I cannot serve the my room mates or classmates, how can I ever go out on a missions trip to serve people I don't even know?

So what do we do? At a Christian school every other day a missions team gets up and shows a video of some impoverished nation or hurting people with a cry for help- come and serve now! Our gut reaction is yes, where can I go, what can I do, I want to help!

God's response:

Stop. Submit. And I will send you somewhere in my own power.

If everyone is a slave...then and only then can we make progress.

"Shopping" for Education

2005-10-31T23:16:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine wrote a paper for our Torrey writing class tonight on "The Market of Education" and how education has become merely a product being purchased.

I must say it really resonated with me, especially considering my issues with Biola and APU right now.

Her primary argument is that students act merely as consumers and expect to be handed what they pay for in a neat little brown amazon box with a receipt. But then what happens when the box is opened and it's more complicated than expected, or there are unwanted attachments?

When everything doesn't pan out what do you do? Return it?

Hm.

Made me realize why I'm getting my education. If I were at school just to get a degree so that I can get a job and make money, then it doesn't matter where I go. But if I'm at a school because that is the place where I want to learn to be a better human being, then it does matter. College is not just a purchased, packaged item- but an integral part of learning to be a more mature creation.

Not something to "get through" but to live in.

Maria, Mimi, and meditations on Poverty

2005-10-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

Exciting news!
Myself and four of my friends, after much poking and proding by God, decided to sponser two girls: Mimi from Bangladesh and Maria from Ecuador.

Mimi is eight years old and in first grade. Her favorite subject is national language and praise God she's in good health. She is an only child living with both her parents.

Maria is seven years old and in third grade. Her favorite subject is drawing (a girl after my own heart!), and she also is in good health. She lives with her mother and sister.

We are so excited, and can't wait until we can start communicating with the girls and their families. Worldvision is cool enough to also allow small flat gifts to be sent as well, so that perhaps we can send them something for their birthdays=).

For the longest time I had ignored the sort of nagging in my heart to sponser a child, for some reason it made me feel uneasy. My experiences with the poor have been so limited. In Fargo the soul experiences were a girl scout trip to the local Ronald MacDonald House and then when North Dakota had the record floods and all of Grand Forks was wiped out. Children flocked from the North down to our town, and I knew that they had endured the floods but I didn't quite understand what the implications were. I didn't get the hurt and fear of losing everything. Fast forward to high school and I see a few people living on the streets in my small town, but not really, I don't think about it. Then I went with Azusa's Youth Conference to the Dream Center in LA, and then to Skid Row and Watts. Suddenly possessions, shelter, family, and food looked a lot different. It doesn't take much. I spent total less than three days merely seeing poverty. That's about when God said that it was my turn to help. Instead I made excuses and ducked my head, moving on.
Now to this past week, Biola had a special conference- three days of no classes and all speaker. One speaker, Brian Lorritts, spoke on racial reconcilliation, and also touched on the poor. He's a particualrly passionate speaker, think along the lines of Francis Chan (for those who know him=). There was one point that just punched us all in the gut.
He was telling a story about him and his father, walking along the street in the winter and passing a homeless man. His father stopped and gave the man some money and moved on, but soon halted his steps with tears in his eyes.

"That is someone's son back there! That person is someones
child, and he is your brother! That man is your brother!"

All of a sudden those kids in North Dakota weren't just "flood victims," the people on the streets in Ramona aren't just nameless faces. Everyone, all the people around me are my family.

When was the last time I treated someone around me like family? It turns out I've made it some sort of exclusive thing, extending my care and attention and love to a small group of people. And you know what? It's hurting me and shrinking my world and looking away from relationships God wants me to have.
How about my boyfriend's floormates? Some of them cuss a lot, and I grew up with the mentality that people who cussed were intellectually inferior and not really worth listening to. Huh, well, still hate cussing, but I've probably gleaned some of the most life changing thoughts from in between curses. Funny how behind every stereotype and misconception there's a God created person. Hm.

So yeah. I think I have a lot yet to get about poverty and love. This middle class white girl has a lot of growing up to do still.

Really REALLY BIG needle!

2005-10-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, last random, non-intellectual post for a while, I promise!

I finally did it, Deb, Mel (both sisters), and my roomie went with me to a tatoo place...and I got my nose pierced. (light blue stud cus they ran out of all the other colors, guess the previous day had been a mass piercing day.)

It was pretty cool and quite painful, but worth it I think, it doesn't hurt at all now. So yeah, to the random person this doesn't seem like a big deal, but I'm not all that adventurous, so this is a big step for me=). I would post a pix of it but for some reason I still cannot get pictures to post, probably cus I'm doing it wrong, but I can't seem to figure out the right way yet.

Anyhew...see you all later!

2005-10-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

You Are 80% Weird

You're more than quirky, you're downright strange.
But you're also strangely compelling, like a cult leader.

How Weird Are You?

A tragedy in Ramona

2005-10-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

Two deaths have recently devastated our little hometown, leaving one family shattered. A friend of ours from high school very recently had her father die of a heart attack, three days after her mother passed away from cancer.

This girl is possibly the sweetest person I know and she has a beatiful character. Please pray for her, I cannot even fathom myself coping with that sort of tragedy. She is also in real need for day to day living expenses, as she is now living with her older sister and aunt. Any money not used for that will go towards a college fund as well. If you are interested reply and we can talk about who to contact at the High School who is in charge of donations.

Lord, please help her to get through each day. I know I would probably cease to live at all. Surround her with love from everyone in Ramona, and may everyone band together as family for her. May she never be alone.
We're crying for her Father...

Joining the ranks of the "employed"

2005-10-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

HUGE PRAISE TO GOD!

Most of you already know this, but after a couple weeks of fruitless searching for jobs here at school, I had given up. Well, as soon as I stopped looking two jobs totally fell into my lap. One is a babysitting job for a single mom who goes to school here- her boy is 11 and so fun! The second is an assistant position to the exec chef for Biola- basically I type up menus and recipes=) It's very easy, very flexible, and pays well. Both jobs are so wonderful and I am so thankful for them, mostly because I can start to hold my own now. Jesse, the gracious gentleman forever, has always paid for everything in the past, and I'm excited now that I can begin to show my love in that way as well=) yay!

Hello again all!

2005-10-11T12:08:00.000-07:00

Please forgive my absence from the blogging world these past couple of weeks, midterms approach as well as a variety of other random activities that have been consuming my spare time. Is it was, last week I had my Torrey Convocation followed immediately by the Supertones last concert.
They were fun...but did anyone else notice how all of their songs sounded exactly the same??? Just a thought.

Of course that was followed by a much awaited weekend at APU where I enjoyed the people that I love most and became a vegetable. Sadly the depression I usually get upon returning was particularly intense yesterday morning, but praise God, He somehow kept me in prayer about it through most of it. Granted those prayers were bitter and selfish, and all contemplating trasfering to a very serious extent- I think there was a breakthrough because I was actually talking to Him about it. Thankfully this heartache usually doesn't last past Monday afternoon because that's really when I'm forced to dwell on other things and I get back into my "intellectual" mode.

So, I'd like to think that God and I are making progress on this one, but I must admit I know that next weekend my heart will hurt just as much when I come back, but I wonder if that's just part of life. I'm beginning to know myself a lot better and I'm understanding that the best way for me to grow into the woman of God I need to be is to do it here. All of the girls in my discipleship group were sharing last night about their stories, and each story had at least one instance of pain through which God really tore down, swept up, and rebuilt. What really sucks is that I see that I'm dealing with that pain right now, the cool thing is that perhaps great things can come from it.

Hooray for perspective=)

So your prayers would be greatly loved on Sunday nights and Monday mornings especially.

Aside from that, things have been busy, I just started going to a women's discipleship group Monday nights, which I love because I'm finally bonding with girls on my floor! The only slight bummer is that we're reading a book- yes, another book. Nothing against the book, but anyone who knows anything about Torrey knows that adding another book to my list is a tad bit discouraging. (So far this semester we have read the Iliad, Odyssey, Aneid, Metamorphosis, Inferno, Purgatorio, and I have 100 pages of Paradisio for tomorrow.) But I am glad, and excited to have a new direction to go in.

BTW

T2 is cancelled=(
Is anyone else shedding tears over this recent developement?

Soak it up

2005-09-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"
They're really saying "I love you" I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Oh yeah

Identity Crisis

2005-09-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

I attended a very interesting context lecture last night, and I'll admit, my attitude going into was really more of an adult going to a childrens' magic show.

Boy was I slapped upside the head with conviction.

The context lecture was entitled "Dating and Relationships" by Matt Anderson.

Alright, let try and explain my cynisim before I dive in. I have been in a relationship for the past 2 years and 7 months about, with a wonderful Christian guy. We have experienced just about every possible up and down together and have done about you could ever imagine to learn how to have a "good Christian relationship." Book upon book, countless Bible studies, talking to pastors, talking to friends, parents, reading more books, while in the end sort of becoming frustrated with how Christians (adult Christians at least) view and deal with dating. So, when I heard the title of the lecture the first thing that crossed my mind was:

"Oh great, just another old guy pointing his finger at us and telling us what not to. Another lecture on sexual purity and how love will come later. Oh well, might as well go, I need lecture credit and I might get a kick out of it."

Haha. Right.

First, let me say that NOT ONCE did Matt Anderson (an early/mid twenties Torrey grad who is happily married) mention any of the above topics that I sort of festered over in my bitterness. He brought to light a few things I had never heard talked about before by a Christian in this light. Perhaps they are so basic that everyone else sees them as obvious and takes them as unspoken, but I had spoiled myself with my own ideas that "dating and relationships" had this perfect definition that, if applied properly, could solve all my problems.

I have never been more glad to be wrong in all my life.

Matt began with the end so to speak, defining what is unique about a marraige situation to dating.
Marraige has two primary components: Complete and total intimacy (the ability to be wholly and completely yourself- junk and all, and still feel secure and safe and loved), and the covenant part (the actual promise you make to the other person, the commitment aspect). The covenant part is so necessary because of TRUST and FEAR. The marraige covenant is one of the deepest and most sincere promises that a man or woman can make. It is a message to the other person that says, "You can trust me, and our relationship, you don't need to fear anything." (Yes, i know I'm not including divorce in this, but I think that's a whole other ball game. So for the purposes of this blog, I'm going to treat the covenant of marraige on the more stable side.)
Thus, most relationship problems actually span from attempting to achieve the intimacy without the covenant. The result? Fear and distrust. There is nothing besides pledges of love that a person in a relationship can give outside of marraige as a promise for the future- for sure at least. Now, this doesn't say that pre-marraige relationships are bad and phony because it's not possible to trust one another. But such a high level of intimacy achieved without the complete assurance of marraige can really browbeat those involved if they aren't careful. Especially because of the second cause of most problems in relationships: placing your self worth in the context of your partner.

Our self worth, our value, is defined by who we are as people, right? Superficially, this contains things like the skills we have or what our talents are- our economic value to our community. This way of evaluating is seen every day all over the world, defining people's worth by how much they can contribute to the success of a business or company. This has to be the root of why the homeless and poor are so ignored. The average person immediately assigns value to them. I really hope that no one looks at me and places value on me based only on what I can do. My marketable skills?? In high school I did data entry work and scooped manure. Hm. Guess my value is just about there with an old computer or a tractor.
But that doesn't quite feel right, does it? Instinctively your soul groans and knows that self worth is NOT physical. Our self worth is rooted in God. He created us and assigned us value, we are good to him. We know in the deepest parts of our souls that we are valuable no matter what we accomplish or can do because He created us in HIS image.

So perhaps this can help us come to grips with some of the more damaging problems in relationships, as opposed to simply trying to find the right formula for "the relationship."

Yeah, this leaves a lot of things unspoken. But heck, maybe if we can manage to sort out our identity we can make it through the rest. Bumps and bruises happen, it's part of learning how to love the right way I think. I adore my boyfriend in so many ways: his friendship, his interests, goals and aspirations, his perfections and his broken parts. We have butt heads and fought tooth and nail, but we've experienced joy together too. Had we not had all of these experiences, I really don't think that our relationship would be what it is now.

I think I'll forgoe the "formula" for relationships. Just living it is much better I think.

Prayer Request

2005-09-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

My younger sister, Hillary, had a doctor's appointment today to check and see how her meds have been working. She has some sort (there's a technical name but I forget) of acid problem caused by a weak muscle that closes the gap between the esophagus and the stomach, basically causing heartburn. Hers is worse than that though and didn't respond to any over the counter meds like Tums, Rolaids, or Zantac. The doctor was a little surprised and gave her some new stuff that is pretty kick butt- it wipes out acid period. Unfortunately it's much like antacid chemo in that it doesn't really discriminate and takes on both the good and bad acids, thus making her very susceptible to getting sick. If this doesn't work (she has a month) the doctor then said surgery would probably be the option.

She's none too thrilled by any of this and getting kind of nervous, so your prayers for peace and healing would be very welcomed. She's definitely a strong kid and will fight all of this like she has before, but it is intimidating.

Thanks guys for your love and prayer, we appreciate it!

Star Wars Personality Test

2005-09-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

Ha ha, this is great! You have to do this=)

Click to see my Star Wars Personality!!

Stepping up, baggage and all

2005-09-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

How many times have you been told that your sin is keeping you from being full in Christ, that you cannot really serve and be with Him until you "let him take it all away"?

I don't know about you, but this poses a pretty big problem for me. I am a follower of Christ and a part of the body, I love to serve and to love- but I'm carrying a pretty big bag with me.

This bag is pretty neat actually, it has bumper stickers from all the places I've been: parties, home, school, heck, everywhere! There are worn spots on the handles from all the times I've picked it up, even a shoulder strap for carrying ease. Oddly enough its weight is nothing to me now I've become to used to its familiar tug on my shoulders. It's even worn out on the bottom from the times that I threw it to the ground.

This bag contains "my sin."

Yes, one thing (in particular) that I have struggled with for several years and to be completely honest I know that struggle will continue on for years to come. So where does this leave me?

Well, I've visited every part of the tracks on this one. For anyone who has a bag like this, the advice to "JUST give it to God" is, to be cliche, easier said than done. I've done everything, apart from God and with His tender graces to cling to, and it is with a heavy heart that I say that things are still rough. There are days when I throw my hands up and say what the heck, I give up God, I'm to frail and I just don't know how to stay away from this, my heart breaks for what I'm about to do. Anyone else ever do that? Hurts doesn't it? And what's worse, the enemy doesn't stop there. He attacks with the bad Christian attitude. Ever hear this in your heart?: "You can't really go back to God until you go cold turkey, you know you'll just mess up again and any repentance you give now will end up being a lie!" The bad part? In a weird way the church does this too. I've heard so many times how bad it is to be a Christian with problems.

Didn't Christ come for the sinners?

Yes, He came to set us free, so that we need not be trapped in bondage to our baggage. But that wasn't a one time thing. And I don't think that He ever said, "You know what, before you can hang with me, you're going to have to get rid of all that extra crap." No, he called the broken and hurting, the heavy travellers.

Let me clarify something though: Our goal is to allow me to step free of it, to finally check my bag for good and never look back. But I know that despite of the bag He still wants me to be a part of His church, his community.

Yes, I have a bag, a Mary Poppins junk bag.

Do I anticipate a sudden drop off with never a glance back in the near future? To tell you the truth, no. Would I call that a lack of faith? Perhaps...in myself. Have I learned something about Jesus and my community through the collecting and exposing of my junk bag throughout the past couple of years? Yes. I'm living life with some people right now who will pray for me, hold me, love me, and give me tender advice and support in all dealings with this bag.

So to all of you with seemingly endless and permanent baggage. Never give up hope, and never let anyone or anything keep you from communion with your Abba. Even if you find yourself picking up the bag again after you meet with Him, don't let the stranger bar the entrance back into His warm embrace.

Insight welcome

2005-09-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

Hm, I'm struggling with what's happening in Matt 15:26-27. The analogy seems so unlike Him, is there something that I'm missing?

Crutches

2005-09-06T11:36:00.000-07:00

When you were little, did you ever secretly envy those kids in your class that got casts or crutches? They got so much attention and those crutches looked like they could be so much fun! What a great tool for play, think of all the fun new ways to move around that you could invent. For kids like me, who never got hurt when they were younger, the crutch and the cast were always that secret fascination. I think a lot of our lives are like that too. There is a faction of the American population who have had happy, well adjusted lives with no tragedies, no major aches or pains, no injuries- and to be honest- those of us that fall into that category feel sort of...odd.

We are abnormally normal.

Ok, so I can't really qualify myself as that anymore, as my life has had some pretty exciting events and changes, but there is still that sense of awe at the abnormal.

A good example I think is in the church with those who are hurting. Those people outside of the hurting get this impression that they need to have something majorly wrong with them in order to "get the most" out of their faith. I admit I felt like this for a very long time. When I came to Christ there was nothing, by the worlds standards, wrong with me. I have a happy, loving family, friends, darling boyfriend, pets, good grades, and strong morals- I didn't come to Christ because I had a glaring problem that was sucking the life out of me. I simply saw that I wanted to be with Him, and I know there are others out there like me and it's so easy to feel not quite right about it. We feel like we have to have Him as a crutch, not just as our friend, brother, mentor, and Lord.

But what kind of love is that? Certainly not one that will last.

Today I went to the health center to get crutches (just for the sake of getting to class faster on my knee) for the first time ever in my life. Yes, I'll admit, it was kind of exciting, but after a couple of hours I am very tired, hot, and sweaty from this new awkward type of motoring around. The truth is, crutches aren't as glamorous as they seem- and my goal now that I have them is to wean myself off of them, not to cling to them for comfort. And this is true of other crutches in life. Those people who we see experiencing so much attention and care for their problems aren't exactly sitting around going, "Hey, isn't it great that I get all this attention!" No, they are working to be free of their pains and problems.

So, if you are abnormally normal, and life is justing moving along with no speed bumps- rejoice! Live in love with our Savior not because we must be dependent on Him, but because He is who He is and He loves us back with more fervor than I think we can ever muster=).

Ginormous little things

2005-09-05T23:42:00.000-07:00

Tonight my roomies and I had a classic girls night- we flopped on the floor with the lights out and watched a romantic comedy: I.Q.

It's a cute little movie involving Albert Einstein's neice and a quirky automechanic who falls in love with her right off the bat. He then spends the rest of the movie in cahoots with Albert and his three nerdy old physics pals trying to win her over. About three fourths of the way through there is a classic scene where the neice, the mechanic, and Albert are on a sailboat and she is attempting to explain why she can't be with Ed (the mechanic). Oh yes, and she is currently engaged to a stuffy scientist who does sick experiments with rats.

So they are talking and she says something to the effect of:

"I think you are very charming and nice man but you can't just go up to someone you hardly know and say 'I love you!' Oh my goodness...I said it! I love you! No, I really do!"

Hm. Ok, bizarre transition and I've been thinking about it since.
Now I'm not a supporter of love at first sight, but I must say that I am positively enchanted by that simple, pure, and childlike love that makes you giggle and blush, sending your heart through the roof. It's innocent and imperfect and what fuels so many relationships for the first, well, week. But it is so huge in who we are as people. We are people to be loved, to love, and who love it be loved! The sweet thing about that love is that it doesn't ever disappear, it's always there, in holding hands, inside jokes, and funny little quirks.

Now, this obviously isn't so huge in the grand scheme of all types of love, in fact, we almost lose it as relationships progress. Childlike affection is lost in the search for something deeper, which is hard because the deeper is important too. It's in our family relationships, our friendships, even our relationship with our Heavenly Father.

So, I suppose what I'm getting at is this:

Though there are so many profound and deep aspects to our relationships- of all kinds- don't forget to take a moment every now and then to play in the simple love. Let its warm sunshine soak into your soul and allow yourself to just be in simple, pure, love.

Thinking of all this now makes me see the beauty in the relationships with my community. To Jesse, your grasp of this concept is one of the ginormous little things in our everyday lives that makes our relationship beautiful. You have taught me so much about how to love and how to delight in another person so fully. To my dear friends Wes and Ashley, I have not experienced best friend love for a long time until our fantastic four, thank you for showing me what a love without requirements looks like=). To Mom, Pops, Deb, Mel, and Hillary, ours is a love of pure comfort, the warm fuzzy love that softens all blows and facillitates bear hugs, sitting on laps (yes, even at 18), and laughing until you cry. And finally, to my Heavenly Father, for being the grand orchestrator for all of these precious relationships, conducting and playing the greatest love of all.

Sing, goddess, of the long-suffering of the Biola students, Torrey...

2005-09-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, we have finally been a part of the horrific and daunting Homeric ritual: reading the Iliad and the Odyssey straight through- no stopping- from 10am until 7am. I, like many others, was present for only part, yet I still count myself among the valiant because I arrived at 7pm and remained cognizant until 7 am the next morning (I was there for the end of the Iliad and the whole Odyssey). We read, students that is, book by book through the very very very long and cold hours of the night with little to snack on because the am people snatched up all the sustenace before nightfall. About thirty of us were left this morning, all packed into Dr. Reynold's living room in order to fight off the cold. At this point he (Dr. Reynolds) was singing random songs and rewriting them to fit the Odyssey, students were snorting and giggling when words like bosom appeared in the text, and everyone groaned when, once again, King Nestor began to monologue. It was quite the experience! Not a bad one though- necessarily, we're even hoping to get t-shirts made to somehow proudly display our great efforts at reproducing true Homeric style. My only complaints are that I didn't bring enough warm clothing and bedding, and my knee had swollen up and made any position highly uncomfortable. (On a side note, it is still quite swollen and I was forced to hobble to the cafe this morning using my umbrella as a cane- I know take a minute to giggle at the image, I don't blame you=)

Well, that is about all for now. I will refrain from using some obscure Homer reference in closing- but just know- it's quite a difficult thing to do=).

When ya fall off the horse...

2005-09-03T20:14:00.000-07:00

Walk it off and get back up again=). Yes, to complete the weekend at home I decided to take Biz out for a ride. Well, it wasn't but a minute before I took my first fall ever on a horse. He was all excited and I've never quite mastered the 'how to stay on' portion of riding so I ended up in the dirt. Thankfully my only hurt is a tweaked knee- but my ever watchful sister had the camera in her hand and managed to snap a quick one. I'll put it up soon=). Aside from that we went perusing the thrift stores and I picked up some jeans that didn't have daylight streaming through em.

All in all, it's been a good weekend home=), gotta love it!

You know you live in Ramona when...

2005-09-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

...Upon your first visit home from college you unload thirty bales of alfalfa and bermuda hay before even bringing your bags in the house.

Homer...a lesson in humility?

2005-09-01T14:16:00.000-07:00

This is something I posted in response to Wes' last post, I had to share because Wes touched on something so key to the disfunctionality (is that a word?) of the "church" today:

Beautiful!
One day I hope we all come to the realization that people are people and people are who God adores. We crown ourselves so often with spiritual superiority, feeling pity or a snobbish sense of importance because we "get it" and the other poor shmucks don't. No!
The world is full of brilliant, compassionate, beautiful people who we "look down on and pity" when in reality we are not fit to sit at their feet and listen to what they have to say. Once Christians begin to really respect and love people for who God created them to be, then we will be able to more fully realize what it means to live life TOGETHER.
It's incredibly sad because I know it's instinct to feel that way, that we've got it all together and we are graciously letting others know the secret. I know the moment I get cocky I fall on my face and am humbled by things out there in the world far greater than I.
In Torrey we are reading Homer and Virgil right now- pretty much the antithesis of the Christian worldview. As Christian college students, safe in our own little Christian Ed classroom, our first instincts were to point out that, hey- God trumps Homer and Homer's a putz cus he didn't get it. What we didn't see was the profound visions that Homer had on what it means to be a man, a human being. Homer, the greatest secular writer of his time, identified that man cannot be fully human unless he lives in community with other men and follows an inherent moral law. Sound familiar to anyone? Homer knew what he was talking about! Yes, he lived in a chaotic worldview driven by the hopeless interaction of gods, fates, and destiny- but he was not dumb or ignorant. Homer was a brilliant man and I think that recognizing that, with any great historical figure, we have much to be thankful for and learn from is crucial to our humility as Christians.

Plugging back in!

2005-09-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

Hello again all- sorry I've been unplugged for so long!
College, I've discovered, has this amazing way of locking you into this little campus box- oblivious to the outside world. And I, admitadly, have been running in circles inside this box the past two weeks. Here's a quick overview:

I had to drop chemistry and chem lab because the teacher told me I would probably fail since I've never taken it in high school, so I was left with my two Torrey classes (which is effectively one class), and first year seminar (a nothing class that ends half-way through the semester). So for the heck of it I picked up bio lab and calc 1. So now my schedule is mindnumbingly easy...

Today was finally my first completely normal day, chapel, class, homework, and girls night out with the roomies=).

Chapel was actually pretty fun, and even brought in some cultural background which is like my most favorite thing in the whole world=)
Our Chaplain taught on John 7, where Jesus goes to the feast of Tabernacles. The main idea was keyed around the phrase "...time had not yet come," referring to God's divine timetable for Jesus. Christ was so intune to when and where and what God wanted him to do that he didn't have to spaz out about things that were going on around him. A classic opener for college freshman=) What struck me even more than that though was what Christ did at the feast of Tabernacles. Each morning during the seven day period all of the people would pack themselves together and gather for a sort of opening ceremony. The high priest would come out holding up a golden pitcher and recite from Isaiah 12:

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid,
The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. With
joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.

Scooping up water and pooring it out, the people would sing and recite scripture, followed by times of teaching by various rabbis. Among those rabbis was Jesus, sort of the big guy to go sit and listen to. (Doesn't sounds exactly thrilling to most, but imagine what the majority of the Jewish population did all day- especially the ones out in the sticks in places like Galilee, the feast of Tabernacles was the place to be!) The people were astounded with how knowledgable he was, but he was also something of a celeb- it's not every day you get to attend a lesson from a guy on the Pharisees' most wanted list. So he turned a few heads that week- but the really cool part comes on the last day.

On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and
said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let his come to me and drink.
Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will
flow from within him." -John 7:37-38

The radical part about this is that Jesus is flat out saying, "Hey! Right here, and I am what you've been watching and waiting for." The last day when the high priest is supposed to come out, Jesus stands up and effectively shows everyone that He is the high priest. That there is no need for that golden pitcher and the pool of water before them, but rather He was fulfilling that scripture they spoke. And not only would Jesus be the source of the living water- the Spirit would also be present in them. That is so hugely personal compared to what they were used to! It seems like such a close and intimate suggestion would knock a few people over, and it did=).

Beautiful=).

I will never tire of the gorgeous connection that Jewish history and culture has to our understanding of our own faith. I love it!

Peanut butter cookies

2005-08-21T15:12:00.000-07:00

Ahhh...there is nothing like finishing the Iliad with a celebratory peanut butter cookie=)

Well, tomorrow will mark my one week mark for being here at Biola and I am surprisingly...relaxed. My initial fears about Torrey, friends, and everything else God has replaced with a wonderful sense of peace. He's placed me with two wonderful roomates and several other friends- even one from home! Even Torrey doesn't seem so scary anymore, which I am enormously thankful for.

I have to share this with ya'll, it really struck me as the perfect picture of community here at Biola:

The director of the Torrey program here is a wonderful loving man and he and his wife decided last night to treat all of the Torrey kids to a movie at the dollar theater. (Doesn't sound like much, but he must have bought around 70 tickets at a buck fifty by himself) When we got there, it was extraordinarily crowded with all sorts of people milling around. And there was the prof and his wife, handing out tickets to...everyone? He was giving away tickets to some of the students we'd most likely asign to the "punker" or "troublemaker" group in high school, talking to them, loving on them. When asked why he was doing it he simply said: "I love Biola, I love students, go on, enjoy the movie and God bless you." It wasn't some huge evangelistic effort or anything, but I think he made an awesome impact, at least in my life. He was loving the people around him with no questions asked, simply because he could. I saw that and just wanted to scream out "YES! He's got it!" (Ironically, in Torrey one of the little catch phrases is "he/she's got it" and no one quite knows what "it" is, so there's some humor in that as well as truth.)

So, dear friends, let's do something today that is just that: pure, unadulterated love for other people. Simply because we can.

I'm alive!!!!! Sort of...

2005-08-17T10:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am FINALLY reconnected to the real world! Please don't think that I have been avoiding you all like the plague, I have in actuallity been kept from the internet by Biola's annoying decision to not give out our FirstClass passwords until tomorrow, thus, no wireless in my room. We also have a schedule completely devoid of free time until now (I made a mad dash to the library to feed my internet addiction and hopefully communicate with people interested in something besides the Iliad or Plato.).

So...Torrey. Hm.

Well, here is my best attempt at describing the past couple of insanely hectic days and an incomming Torrey chum. Yes, they call us chums, only because the director thinks its a cool word. Although there is rumor that it's because all of the profs are like sharks and we are chum on the water.

Torrey, I've come to find, has very few rules persay, yet tons of expectations. Our discussion classes last for about three hours and the profs basically throw out questions on a text that we are expected to engage. Not bad really, kind of fun, though it can be monumentally frustrating. It's painful to me to see the devout dedication that these people have in apologetic evangelism. Basically bullhorn guy but smarter. A prevalent thought in the sort of, I dunno, kids that act like they know what they're doing/talking about is that if we are armed with the big guns of truth, logic, and reasoning, that people will have to believe. (I say acting because we really have no way of knowing how smart we all are until the rubber meets the road in class. My guess is that all of us are really not that brilliant we just have a passion for knowledge, truth, and a sick sort of fascination with the combination of painfully hard thinking and a lot of work.) Well, hate to pop the bubble but the majority of mankind cares not for the greater questions of truth and logic, and a lost argument is merely that, a lost argument. Their world is not shaken by the fact that we can intellectually prove that God is the right and best way. Their views on abortion will not change because I can prove that life begins at conception. People in our culture no longer operate like that. It is so painful for me because I know and I've seen what this kind of evangelism does! (Coming from the recipient of A LOT of apologetic reasoning before I knew Christ.) Thankfully, blessedly, I have encountered a core group of girls who are thinking along the same lines as I am and it's very exciting. We sort of have a tentative stance that apologetics is almost more useful for the Christian than for the non believer. It teaches us reasoning and argument skills necessary for our intellectual growth and I really think adds another perspective (another side of the diamond if you will) to the ways in which we can love God. Which in turn, aids us in further living the life that Christ lived and following in his footsteps, be they intellectual or emotional or spiritual. So yeah, sorry- really REALLY had to bounce this off of you guys because we've been so confined to Torrey.

So, what have we actually been doing...

There are about 100 of us and we meet several times each day with various profs and mentors for information on what we will be doing, what the purpose of Torrey is, what to expect and how to deal with the immense stress of reading 600 page books like the Iliad in a week while taking notes. (Pray for me, by next Thursday/Wednesday (?) I need to have that monster of a book done, and I need to have intelligent opinions about it) Last night however, we had a chill night (yay!). We split up, boys and girls, and had "gender night" for lack of a better phrase. All the girls got all gussied up and went to one of the office ladies homes for a girls pamper night. The sophomores served us a picnic dinner (way too tiny finger sandwiches, sparkling cider, the whole nine yards), we had TOTAL pedicures (foot washing, massage, nailpolish), and basically bonded. It was cute, but a little too girly for my taste. Oh yeah, a weird thing about Torrey is that everyone hangs out at profs houses and their families. I dunno, I thought it was bizarre, but pretty cool. Heck, over labor day weekend we're all going to Dr. Reynolds house for a straight through reading of the Iliad and the Odyssey.

So yeah. That's about all the stuff that's been happening in a nutshell, we are starting to wind down finally as the day approached when all the other freshman arrive (Friday). In fact, I have like 2 or 3 hours of free time today! (How sad is it, that I'm excited cus that means I get to go read???)

Well, one last note before I go...

I have a feeling this program is going to fry my brain like an egg- denatured proteins and the whole bit. So please PLEASE if I start to twitch or use words that are too ridiculous to actually use in a real conversation, smack me one up side the head and remind me that I am here to learn to love God with my mind and to share that sort of intellectual love with other people. Not for the books, not for the knowledge, not for the grades, or for med school. Thanks guys.

Love ya!

The Torrey dumptruck

2005-08-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

Like I mentioned before, I am soon to be a part of the overwhelming Torrey Honors program at Biola. Right now I am reading both the Iliad (with little progress) and Love God With All Your Mind by J.P. Moreland- a prof at Biola. The latter must be finished by this Monday when I move in. It's an amazing book and touches on some of the emergent Christian thinking topics. I wish I could sit and discuss each thought in depth here, but in the interest of time restraints I'm afraid I'm going to have to mass produce and just put out all the interesting subjects represented within the pages. Anyone who has the chance, read it and we can discuss in more detail:-) Otherwise, just post on whatever you find interesting or whatever you have thoughts on- I can't wait to hear them!

So, ready or not...here we go!

Conversion: imediate personal conviction and conversion vs. studied period of reflection and conviction

The role and purpose of Apologetics.

"Apologetics is a New Testament ministry of helping people overcome
intellectual obstacles that block them from coming to or growing in faith by
giving reasons for why one should believe Christianity is true and by responding
to objectives raised against it" -J.P. Moreland"

Should the church be responsible for raising up apologists?

Looking at the sin and its committer as disfunctional and "wrong" vs. looking at sin in the context of virtue, duty, and overall morality.

"Once people stop believing in God, the problem is not that they will believe
nothing; rather, the problem is that they will believe anything." -G.K.
Chesteron

Your order: a regular order of doubt, would you like to biggie size that for only a spaz attack more?

2005-08-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

In four days I officially have to start growing up. Hmm. I always thought I’d be ready for it, waiting for it, now I am beginning to doubt my original convictions. I received yet another book for Torrey today (The honors program at Biola). This one is far more pronounceable however, and the author happens to be both alive and not Greek so I must say I am significantly more excited. Unfortunately I have to have it read with notes taken by the time I move in on Monday. Monday evening we meet with our seers, which I assume are like small group leaders. The next few days, unlike many college orientations, are fairly rigorous sessions and discussion groups. When schools starts though, the fun begins. I only have Torrey classes twice a week, with no homework aside from reading, yet expectations are high.
I am terrified.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I’m doing this. Why am I going to Biola (yes Ashley, as opposed to Azusa), and why the honors program? Am I making huge mistakes? Will I regret my decisions? Going to Biola means leaving my three dearest friends in the world and immersing myself into a life and culture that is different that what I am used to. It’s amusing because I feel so connected to Azusa through their TEAM Conference and all of the APU people I know now, that I feel even more so disconnected from this school I will travel to in just a few days. On top of that I somehow made it into their honors program which requires a level of dedication and intelligence I’m just not quite sure I posses. I find myself constantly asking God if I’m just nuts and thought this is where he wanted me to go, or if it really is supposed to hurt this much. I suppose that I should take my own advice though. I mentioned in my previous blog that when we dropped Jesse off at school I thought a bit about letting “change” change me. So, for those who are interested in what I actually think (not the emotional stuff) here is an attempt to describe the experience a bit:
I cannot say that change is a new experience for me. I’ve moved cross oceans, left best friends, lived in every climate, worn a plastic spinal brace for three years, and watched two older sisters graduate high school and college. None were ever monumentally devastating, but I know that feeling of have a boulder stuck in your gut and sinking fast. Perhaps the reason they weren’t so bad however, is because I was in grade school and middle school for all of them. In fact, high school was a great time for reflection on how “good” it was for me because I was not experiencing any change at the time. Well, now it’s time for more change and the feeling is back and I no longer feel so terribly grateful.
Now I am older and so much more aware, now I understand the fearful unknown that lies beyond change. There really is no way to tell now how I will feel about Biola, Torrey, or any of the people there. And of course, as is somehow always the case, the best way to find out what’s beyond is to jump headlong into it. With that thought we must come to some conclusion or decision. (If you are able to simply leap into the unknown with no firm convictions one way or the other, I fear for your landing.) So what is my decision? To allow myself to be changed. Before you think to long on that though let me clarify what I mean by change. I don’t mean a complete 180 degree shift, I mean rather a varied outlook from the original due to extra experiences or info. The hard part then, is realizing that I am going to have to accept the fact that I will not be the same person I am now after even a short while away from all that I find familiar. Yes, one day, in the midst of a comfortable lack of change, I will reminisce and fondly day how great these days were, how I grew even more into the woman God created me to be. I am confident that we will all come to that conclusion someday. That even the most painful changes, such as death or natural disaster, cause a change in us that forces us to grow. When we grow we then become that much more available to those in our community who are experiencing the same struggles we did. That in and of itself is almost enough to make our growing pains less uncomfortable.
But for now I’m clinging to my purple blanket and my Abba’s pant hem with my eyes squeezed shut, praying I’ll make it through. So thank you, to the rest of the fantastic four, for being their to calm me down, cheer me up, and even pick on me a little bit to keep me on this planet. I love you guys.

Starting at square four

2005-08-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

Yes, I admit, I finally gave into peer pressure and opened my own blog. With my dear, yet forcefully persistant friends, assuring me that all the cool kids were doing it, I broke down and added my name to the list of millions of online thinkers. Now I am only left with the question of what on Earth could be going on in my head that other people want to know about?

Faced with that I figure the best thing to do for now is to begin in the middle. No, not the beginning, if you really want my autobiography email me and I'll gladly send you a personally autographed 500 page edition. Until I receive any of those requests however, I will simply fill you in on the necessary info.

The aforementioned duo, Wes and Ashley, are two of my dearest buds in the world and have been a crucial part of my life this past summer. Their blogs will be linked here, along with several other astoundingly brilliant thinkers. Unfortunately, the final member to our fantastic four still has no interest in blogging, so a great deal of his thoughts will be intermingled with mine here. This final person (watch out, here comes the mushy stuff) is my wonderful boyfriend Jesse, also attending APU with Wes and Ashley. (Yes, I will be the only Biola-ian, their bitter rival.) Currently, and probably for the next few weeks, you will be able to find my thoughts on Biola's theology (mostly of the Torrey Honors Institute) and any random thoughts inspired by the sardine lifestyle that awaits us (I have two roomates:-).

This is all for now I think. Today was exhausting as the three of us dropped Jesse off at football camp and then drove home. That trip did inspire a few thoughts on commitment, attachment, and letting 'change' change you, which I will elaborate on later. Until then, God Bless and goodnight.